This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
