I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Oh god it's open bar.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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