i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
My breasts were aching with rage.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
