thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Dick very happy bro
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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