so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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