70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
