Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Randomize