I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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