forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
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