Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Ladies don't puke and tell
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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