So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
