youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
