Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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