I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Randomize
