Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
