I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
