I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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