i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize
