I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
i will never coherently bang her
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I touched a dick in church today
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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