exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
