So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
