And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I just made out with a guy for $7.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
