the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
