6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
