Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize