Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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