i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
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