I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Randomize
