3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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