dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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