Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Randomize
