his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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