making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Randomize
