You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
