Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Green mimosas i think yes
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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