Small penises have feelings too.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
