i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize