I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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