Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
