I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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