Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
