I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
He is an equal opportunity slut.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
