I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
