i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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