plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Randomize
