Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
