two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
