Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
whose ass print is on the piano?
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
