Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
