yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
