and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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