Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
