My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
