I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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