Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
