I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
