i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
