Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
