honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
