the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
