His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
