Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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