your parents love me but you hate me
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize
