My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
