And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
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