you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Randomize
