Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
