I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Randomize
