I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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