I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
is wine microwaveable?
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
