Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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