I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Randomize
