so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
